I’m Buky Orija., your personal Life and Divorce Coach.
I know what it’s like to be lonely even though you are married: to placate, deny, delay and distract because I refused to accept what was happening to me, believing that marriage was not to be enjoyed but endured. And against all odds there was something that kept me hoping, praying and trusting that things would change.
I know what it’s like to live a life on the sidelines, to play small, to keep to myself, and to be timid and quiet so I can be accepted by my in-laws, my family, the community and church family.
I know because I hid myself for 28 years in an unhealthy marriage. I remained because all I heard was:-
- “God hates divorce”
- “You are not submissive enough”
- “You have not fasted and prayed enough”
- “You are probably living in sin”
- “You are not meeting your partners sexual needs enough”
- “It’s normal, marriage was never intended to be enjoyed, your children will make you happy in the future, keep holding on”.
The more I heard this the more I plunged myself deeper – trying to placate, becoming a smaller and smaller version of myself but nothing worked. I was crying and bleeding inside to the point that I attempted suicide, and all I could hear was, “You are not faithful – you are shallow in trusting God”.
Until the day that I realised that everything I believed, everything I had been told, was not true. God doesn’t support abusive relationships. God is Love. You have a choice. A choice to love God (if that is what you believe) and a choice to love yourself.
Why did I believe I didn’t deserve to be loved? Why did I believe I had to stay in an abusive relationship? Why did I believe that it was my responsibility to fix the abuser’s behaviour? Why did I stay for 28 years? Why did I believe it was me that had to keep changing my behaviour to fit in?
These were the questions I started to ask myself – whilst I was just hanging on as I was told, and finding my way to those answers was a complete and total game changer. In fact, taking back control of my life completely changed everything about my life!
I now know my life matters and I have my own unique place in the world. It’s not about conforming to a culture, religion, community or acceptance of the people around me. It’s about loving and being at peace with who I am, It’s about breathing myself into existence. It’s about letting people in while letting myself out.
It’s about simply BEING – without concerns, without fears, without reservation or hesitation. It’s about letting go of the work to be who I’m not, in favour of effortlessly living in the space of who I am. Nothing to apologise for, nothing to cower under, nothing to worry about, nothing to hide. When you step into that space, you’ll be amazed to find that you can create anything and everything you want for yourself and your life. YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.